Choking on grief as it slowly creeps up like a long-lost friend.

I hesitate to write on a public forum because some find joy in my grief. It is a settlement they feel owed to them. Yet, here I am, experiencing sorrow and missing so many I love and cherish. This is not to be interpreted as “karma” (which doesn’t exist) or that I deserve such suffering. It reveals something much deeper & priceless.

Grief, the type that comes every year and ebbs and flows is a reflection of my heart. A heart that loves big and deep and cherishes even the smallest, most simple of things. The sound of laughter long gone, hugs, and the flutter in my belly all because my body defeated a diagnosis long ago. Coffee and scones, cinnamon rolls and pie. Traditions that no longer make sense, yet I remember as if it were yesterday.

I choose to honor the tears that begin to flow. I settle into the lap of my good Father and let His heartbeat help me fall asleep. I ask to dream of those I’ve lost and those I long to come home. I ask for Him to help me see Him and be filled with awe and wonder despite this torrential downpour of sadness. I choose joy and laughter. 

I choose Him. And as I do, this burden turns light & becomes easy once again.

He tells me with delight,

“How beautiful your heart is, dear daughter!”